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白頭偕老的秘訣
聽過黃鴻麟名字的人，我敢說大部分不是因他是沙田基督書院的校長，而是他的愛妻方法，大名遠播。他在千禧年推出的處女作《護妻傾情四十八式》，令男士嘆為觀止，女士心生渴望，渴望自己的另一半仿傚。書中他分享了48個獨門的老婆秘方，創意十足。創意的背後，是四分之一個世紀的婚姻經驗，還有業餘修讀輔導課程帶來的啟發。
啟示１：芝麻綠豆釀成衝突
婚姻，最難避免的就是衝突。就算拍拖時如何甜蜜如何和平共處，結婚之後，芝麻綠豆的小事也可變成衝突，黃校長想不到的，只是衝突來得如此快……婚後第一頓飯，太太在廚房煮飯，並向客廳正在看報紙的他高呼：「收拾餐桌啦，準備吃飯呀。」
黃校長以超高速搬走桌上雜物，繼續等上菜，誰知太太從廚房出來，竟然臉色一沉。「原來她娘家收拾餐桌的定義，不單只要搬走雜物，還要把桌子擦得一乾二淨、擺好餐具。但我由小到大，只知收拾餐桌就是搬走桌上的雜物。」諸如此類的分歧接踵而來 ……
有次太太對他說：「你不會擰毛巾嗎？」他很懊惱，活了這麼多年，沒理由連擰毛巾都不懂嘛，原來太太一直是反手擰毛巾，他卻相反。
這一切一切，給他帶來許多啟示：「在生活細節上，會發現彼此有很多不同，如不存體諒包容之心，任何一件瑣事都可以成為衝突的導火線。」
啟示２：別強迫對方改變
一段婚姻，需要夫婦倆不斷學習怎樣體諒、明白、包容一個人與適應。
「我處理過很多個案，發現婚姻破裂，都是因為欠缺這些觀念。尤其人總是偏向主觀，很多時會用自我的標準去衡量或規範別人。」
有天他忘記帶車鑰匙，太太說：「都叫你不要把車鑰匙放在那兒啦。」事後他跟對方說：「『放在那兒』是我的習慣，如果我把車鑰匙放在你指定的地方，只會有更多機會忘記。」
他發現，很多人結婚後不自覺要改變對方，小至擠牙膏、放物件等，都是有我無你，忽視了應尊重對方。
「很多小事本身沒有對錯之分，反省過後，就會看到背後動機，原來是想控制對方。這是沒有必要的，因為愛人是要一起好好生活下去，並非要來控制的。」
啟示３：事後溝通最緊要
他也承認，衝突是無可避免，最重要是事後溝通：「如放車鑰匙這個例子，我們了解過彼此的想法後，決定屬於我的東西由我負責擺放，屬於她的由她擺放，到了要用時，只要問對方便可。」
至於擰毛巾這回事，經過他多番驗證，證實反手確是擰得乾淨些，所以他也婦唱夫隨起來。
夫婦間最常說的一句話是：「我要你這樣做，都是為你好。」黃校長認為，凡事要看得遠一點。
「是為對方好，還是為自己好？如果要對方不做這些事，可能會帶給對方更多不舒服、更多壓力，只會造成另一個新問題。」
啟示４：維繫婚姻有如保養玻璃窗
不過，並非所有事都有最後答案。記得新婚初期，他 曾對 太太說：「有沒有搞錯！用完廁所竟不把馬桶蓋打開！」對方的反應是：「有沒有搞錯！用完廁所又不把馬桶蓋放下！」最後小倆口後取得共識，就是馬桶蓋可開可闔。
「很多問題不在乎結果，只在乎有當時人怎麼看。事實是沒有改變，但了解後便不存在問題了。」
愛一個人，他認為最終可為對方犧牲。
如太太習慣筷子橫放，他習慣直放，遷就一下亦無妨。不過，如果只有容忍、沒有體諒，婚姻一樣可能會破裂。「我覺得婚姻問題就好似玻璃窗的灰塵，假如任其累積，清理便艱難；假如任其深化，就如裂痕出現，玻璃窗最終只會破裂。」
愛妻絕招
◎鳴謝愛妻廣告
結婚20周年紀念日當日，黃鴻麟特地在報章刊登了一篇充滿愛意的鳴謝啟示，感激太太20年來對他的照顧。之後捧著鮮花與報章，親自送到太太的辦公室。
◎致電訴衷情
黃校長格言：「永遠不在學校做個好丈夫，也從不在家做個好校長。」工作時，他從不致電給太太，但某天開會開到晚上9時，他破例打電話回家，說：「會議仍未結束，但此刻我極度掛念你。」電話另一端即時傳來朗朗笑聲。
◎電鍋裡的生日卡
某年太太生日，黃校長假裝忘記了，但當太太打開電鍋準備煮飯時，卻找到一張生日卡；之後進浴室，又找到一束鮮花；睡覺前更在睡衣內找到生日禮物。
◎每日一抱
他在研讀輔導與多年婚姻輔導的經歷後，決定了一項堅持，就是對老婆大人的每日一抱。沒有履行「每日一抱」，不得睡覺。後來發現，這原來是解決夫妻爭執的一大良方妙藥。
太太：欣賞他的小動作
「哈哈！他有時做些小動作，會令我很開心。」 黃 太太邱楚賢常常笑口常開，不無原因。「好像有次整理床鋪，枕頭底竟放了一份小禮物，在毫無心理準備下收禮物，感到非常非常開心。」
那麼她又會如何回應丈夫的心意？
「沒甚麼特別，作為妻子，最重要是體諒丈夫。好像他工作忙，做太太的都希望丈夫多陪伴自己，但站在他的立場，他是喜歡自己的工作才會這樣投入嘛，換了是我也會如此。」
現在若丈夫不在家，她會自行安排節目，好好享受私人空間。還有，「很多人都會把自己丈夫與別人丈夫比較，其實這只會壓低丈夫。男性最需要太太的尊重，做另一半的要不斷了解、愛護他。」
婚後初期，兩夫婦確是有些摩擦。
「其實我們都在不斷進步，有衝突時，最重要是學習退一步，停一停，怒氣自然會消除。」
吵架的藝術
兩口子還有個君子協定：
◎吵架當天清─一項歸一項，絕不拖泥帶水。
◎絕不翻吵─今天的架今天吵，昨天的事不翻吵。
◎舊事已過便已了─每一事件都看作一獨立事件，絕不「株連」。
一般人結婚愈久，吵架時愈喜歡說：你上次 ……你上星期……沒完沒了的罪狀，很容易演變成互揭瘡疤。幸好，黃氏伉儷平日絕少吵架，每星期必做的，是抽空一起散步，談談內心話。
婚姻衝突的由來
婚姻為何會有這麼多衝突？柴灣浸信會輔導中心主任黃麗彰說：「這是由於夫婦的情感距離拉近，很易把未了的心結、渴望激發出來。」
舉例說，某君最不喜歡別人自我中心，如身邊有個朋友自我中心，他不一定會太介意，因為彼此間還有一定的距離和容忍度。可是，當這個人與自己的距離如此貼近，內心便會出現焦慮，後期更會演變成指控、抑壓。
衝突演變成創傷
婚後，是人生另一個階段，也是衝突的開端。夫婦來自兩個成長背景不同的家庭，很易因彼此生活習慣的差異而造成衝突；有子女後，又會因彼此對教養的意見差異，產生爭執。若一個不小心出口傷人，更會演變為創傷。
男性方面，自我價值建基於能力之上，但太太竟說：『你無路用』，會使其自我根基動搖，造成傷害。就算太太有情緒的困擾，丈夫也會視她的康復為個人能力的表現，如太太繼續不開心，男士一樣會感到沮喪。
至於女性，自我價值建基於關係之上，如丈夫不重視她、刻意忽略她，她便會感到受傷，甚至整個自我價值崩潰。
明知男女大不同，何以不能避免對方受傷？
「人在受傷時，為了保護自己，會刻意針對對方最脆弱的地方來攻擊，被攻擊的一方又會還擊，兩人關係只會愈來愈惡劣。」如彼此自我抑制程度較低，往往導致離婚收場。
尋找心靈空間
黃麗璋表示，面對創傷時，要用當下的智慧避免繼續受傷，尤其配偶不斷用說話攻擊自己，拒絕回應不失為保護自己的方法；之後給自己一個空間，思考怎樣淡化怒氣、回憶對方好的一面。再跟對方分享那一刻的感受。
台灣居住地方擠迫，現實空間缺乏，但我們還有一個心靈空間。
「心靈空間可透過閱讀來擴大，在閱讀中，會有很多豐富的訊息，讓你不知不覺進入一個新天新地。我發現很多自省能力較高、自我成長較快的人都是愛閱讀的。」
Houn-Lin Huang heard the name of the person, and I dare say most of the Sha Tin is not because he is the president of Christian College, but his wife methods, widely known name. He was introduced in the new millennium's first Budget is "We Care portrait of his wife 48-style", so that men's breathtaking, Ms. hearts desire, eager to own the other half to follow. In which he shared with his wife of 48 unique recipe, creative full. Behind the creative is a quarter of a century of experience in marriage, as well as amateurs to attend counseling programs bring enlightenment.
Revelation 1: sesame mung bean lead to conflict
Marriage, the most difficult thing is to avoid conflict. Even if they can get married, how sweet how to peaceful coexistence, after getting married, sesame mung beans can also be turned into a trivial conflict,黄校长unexpected, but the conflict has come so fast ... ... after the first meal, his wife cooking in the kitchen to the living room is read the newspaper, he shouted: "you clean up the table, ready to eat it."
黄校长to ultra-high-speed debris removal of the table and continue to serve, etc. Who knows his wife coming out of the kitchen has pale Shen. "Her mother to clean up the original definition of the table, not as long as the removal of debris, but also to the table completely polished, tableware set up. But I from small to big, only know how to clean up the table is the table to remove debris. "Such differences coming ... ...
There are times his wife told him: "You do not screw towel?" He is very upset, lived for so many years, no reason to even wring a towel did not know they could do that his wife has been a backhand twist a towel, he was the opposite.
All in all, brought him many revelation: "In the life of the details, you will find that there are many different each other, such as being considerate and tolerant with no heart, no one can become a trivial conflict fuse."
Revelation 2: Do not forcing the other side to change the
A marriage requires the couple are constantly learning how to appreciate, understand and adapt to accommodate a person.
"I have dealt with many cases and found that the breakdown of the marriage, all because of the lack of these concepts. In particular, people are always subjective bias will have a lot of self or normative criteria to evaluate other people."
One day he forgot to bring car keys, his wife said: "Do not call the car keys on you there." After he told the caller said: "I put there is a habit that if I put on your car keys designated place, only to have more opportunities to forget. "
He found that many people get married or unconsciously to change each other, small to squeeze toothpaste, put objects and so on, are not you and I, to the neglect should respect each other.
"Many do not matter right or wrong, after reflection, you will see the motive behind that is to control each other. This is not necessary because the wife is to live well together, not to come to control."
Revelation 3: after the most important communication
He also acknowledged that conflict is inevitable, the most important thing is that after the communication: "If put car keys this example, we understand each other's ideas and decided that my things from my responsibility placed on her by her display , to use, simply asked the caller will be able to. "
As twisted towel such thing, after he repeatedly verified, confirmed backhand is very clean wring more, so he also women to sing together with the husband.
Couples most often say is: "I want you to do is to Hello."黄校长believe that everything a little to be far-sighted.
"Is good for the other party, or for their own good? If you want to do these things the other side, may bring the other side more uncomfortable, more pressure will only result in another new problem."
Revelation 4: maintaining marriage as maintenance windows
However, not all things have a final answer. I remember the early wedding, he told his wife said: "there is no mistake! Toilet did not run out of toilet bowls to cover open!" His response was: "Is there any mistake! Used the toilet without the cap down the toilet!" Final After小俩口to reach a consensus, that is, the toilet can be opened to cover whole family.
"Many problems do not care about the outcome, there was only care about how people look at. The fact is not changed, but after understanding the problem does not exist."
Love a person, he thinks the ultimate sacrifice for each other.
Chopsticks horizontally habits, such as his wife, he used to put straight, make some compromises, then also fine. However, if only tolerance, not understanding, like marriage may break down. "I feel like a glass window on the marital problems of dust, if allowed to accumulate, clean-up will be difficult; if allowed to deepen, as cracks appeared, the windows will eventually be broken."
Beloved wife trick
Acknowledgment wife ◎ ads
20th anniversary of the date of marriage, Houn-Lin Huang specially published in the newspapers for a loving Acknowledgment revelation grateful to his wife of 20 years of his care. After holding flowers and newspapers, personally delivered to his wife's office.
◎ call v. heartfelt emotion
黄校长proverb: "Forever is not the school to be a good husband, never at home to be a good principal." Work, he never call to his wife, but one day a meeting open until 21 o'clock, he made an exception to call home said: "The meeting has not yet ended, but at the moment I am extremely preoccupying you." telephone the other side of instant laughter from Lang Lang.
◎ electric pot birthday card
Mrs. birthday in a year, pretending to have forgotten黄校长, but when his wife prepared to open the electric rice cooker to cook a meal, they find a birthday card; after into the bathroom and find a bouquet of flowers; in pajamas before going to bed to find a birthday present.
◎ day a hold
He studied for many years counseling and marriage counseling experience, it was decided a insists that his wife is to hold an adult's daily. Failed to meet "one day have" not to sleep. When it was discovered that this was resolved a major dispute between husband and wife panacea to the problem.
Wife: appreciate his little tricks
"Ha ha! He sometimes do a little trick will only make me very happy." Huang Qiu Chuxian wife often笑口常开, not without reason. "It seems there are times finishing beds, put a pillow at the end of even a small gift in the absence of psychological preparation for resumption of gifts, are very, very happy."
Then she will be how to respond to her husband's mind?
"Nothing special, as his wife, the most important thing is to understand her husband. As if he busy with work, so my wife's all hope that their husbands spend more time with their own, but standing on his position, he was like their work they are so into them, change is I will be true. "
Now if her husband was not at home, she would make their own arrangements for programming, enjoy personal space. In addition, "A lot of people will take their husbands husband comparison with others, in fact, this will only depress her husband. Men are most in need of my wife's respect, so the other half should continue to understand that love him."
Early marriage, the two couples, it is a bit of friction.
"In fact, we are in constant progress, there is a conflict, the most important thing is learning step back, stop for a while, will naturally be the elimination of anger."
Quarrel with the arts
Couple also have a gentlemen's agreement:
◎ ─ a quarrel with the day-ching under a not beating about the bush.
◎ ─ never quarrel over today's aircraft noise today, yesterday, things do not turn noisy.
◎ old had passed a ─ each event as an independent event, definitely not "implicated."
Most people get married longer, more like when a quarrel, said: your last week ... ... ... ... you endless counts, it is easy to turn into each other re-opening old wounds. Fortunately, Wong and his wife rarely quarrel weekdays a week, must do is to find time to work together to take a walk, to talk about his words.
Origin of marital conflict
Why are there so many marital conflicts? Chai Wan Baptist Church, director of counseling center黄丽彰said: "This is due to narrow the gap between the couple's feelings, it is easy to outstanding knot, eager to inspire them."
For example, most do not like the others某君self-centered, such as self-centered around a friend, he would not necessarily mind too, because between them there is a certain distance and tolerance. However, when the person with their distance so close to their hearts there will be anxiety, the latter will degenerate into allegations suppressed.
The conflict evolved into a trauma
Marriage is another stage in life, but also the beginning of the conflict. Couples from two different family backgrounds, it is easy due to the difference between living habits and causes of the conflict; have children, the will because of each other's views on the differences in education, resulting in a dispute. If a careless wounding exports, it will evolve into trauma.
Men, the self-worth based on ability, but his wife had said: you have no use 『』 will it shake the foundation of self-harm. Even if his wife emotional distress, the husband of her rehabilitation will be, as the capacity for individual performance, such as his wife continued unhappy, men will feel the same frustration.
As for women, self-worth based on the relationship between the above, such as her husband did not attach importance to her and deliberately ignored her, she would feel wounded, and even the collapse of the entire self-worth.
Knowingly big difference between men and women, why can not avoid the other injuries?
"Injury, in order to protect themselves, would be deliberately directed at the other places where the most vulnerable to attack, attack the party will fight back, only the relationship between the two is worse." Such as the low level of mutual self-restraint, often leads to divorce.
Search for spiritual space
黄丽璋that in the face of trauma, we should continue to present the wisdom to avoid injuries, especially with spouses speak constantly attacked themselves, refused to respond after all, the protection of his or her own way; after a space for himself, thinking how to play down the anger and memories of each other's good side. Talk to each other to share the feelings of the moment.
Taiwan's place of residence overcrowding, lack of the reality of space, but we still have a spiritual space.
"Spiritual space to expand through the reading, in reading, there will be a lot of rich messages, let you unknowingly entered a landmark Xintian. I found a lot of self-reflection of higher skills, self-growth are fast love reading . "
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